Day 2 October 9, 2011

3:12 AM PH Time

C1 7B


I am listening to music of love.

This music that I want to sing for someone I love.

Since I have not found you yet,

This will still be the song that I will sing.

Just for you to make you feel my love.

I am searching you for so long now

But it seems you will no longer come

If you do, would I know that it is already you?

I want to be with you.

But being with you is always not possible.

You have these excuses that for me are reasonable.

I would really want to argue your logical reasons

But I would be a fool if I do so because in the end you make the decision.

End Time: 3:20 PM PH Time


Day 1 (October 8, 2011)

Start Time: 1:01 AM PH Time

# 7.26C

I am feeling down. It may be caused by caffeine or it might be the cause of something.

My brain is swelling like hell that I could not explain why.

My heart is pounding like there is a giant metal ball that is going to hit it.

My body is trembling and shaking like I am in a frozen room.

My emotions are like in a whirlwind that I could not decipher.

My thinking is distorted like my brain cells are dead.

My sight is blurry that I can see nothing but a white light.

My hands are moving like something is controlling it.

My feet are so tired that it won’t want to walk.

Indeed there is something wrong.

I am lonely and alone.

No one cares how I feel.

No one wants me in an intimacy level.

No one even cares if I will die or not.

People are starting to judge me.

And I let myself be judged.

Even if I know it is not true.

I didn’t even care to fight it out.

I am a hopeless man.

I tried to dream but it never came true.

I am always left in the cliff and about to fall.

And fell deeply that it takes time for me to climb back.

I am not good in writing.

I am not good in playing words.

I am an intellect but some say I am a fool.

I feel like I am a defective human being that was not able to accomplish anything.

And it is a misery that I am not able to escape.


End Time: 1:20 AM PH Time

Bipolar disorder or manic–depressive disorder, also referred to as bipolar affective disorder or manic depression, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes. The elevated moods are clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes, or symptoms, or a mixed state in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time.[2] These events are usually separated by periods of “normal” mood; but, in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, which is known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to such psychotic symptoms as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymia, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum.

-wikipedia (

This is how wikipedia describe Bipolar disorder and since the day I heard about this kind of psychological illness, I never doubted myself that I may have this. I remembered once that I was watching a television show, there comes a singer whose daughter is suffering from what she called a bipolar disorder. At first, I was thinking she was referring to a two different poles of the earth, the south and the north poles or it can be also a magnet with a positive and negative poles. It was just funny thinking that way not knowing that this is something that needs to be addressed and be given attention because it may destroy one’s life if not cured or not known in the early stage. So what I did, I tried to self-asses myself (which I really love doing) but then, I never find time to research further because it might only be another delusion and paranoia of myself.

In this blog, I will be recounting my past and daily manic-depressive episodes that made me realize that truly, there was something wrong with myself.